All things cosidered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia
April 2007
Several weeks ago I noticed a lump just below my arm pit when I was doing a set of weights. A golf ball seemed to pop up each time I dropped a dumbbell behind my head and pulled it back up. Once I showed my wife the lump, it was certain that I'd show it to a doctor soon after.
I have had one skin cancer after another for the last 25 years, but I never really understood that they could lead to the development of cancer internally, in one of the organs. I really don't remember hearing that from any of the dermatologists I visited but maybe I just didn't want to hear it.
Whether the skin doctors told me or not, I now have Merkel Cell cancer. An oncological surgeon removed one of the lymph nodes beneath my right armpit and the pathology lab came back with the identification. By the time the cancer was identified, I had been told that the lump probably came from a skin cancer; but I was betting on squamous cell, less aggressive and more common. According to the Internet, I would have had a seventy five percent chance of living five more years with squamous cell but Merkel Cell only gives me a one in two chance.
My daughter cried on and off for days and my wife dove into the Internet and continues to be ferocious in her search for information. To date, I have done neither. I did look up Merkel Cell to see what it is and what the odds are, but I don't particularly care to know much more about it. What good would it do me? I still would have only today. It will be some weeks before we even start the treatment regimen of radiation and chemotherapy and I don't want to use a lot of energy until then. I am going to take this a day at a time. If a doctor who I trust says do "that", then I will give my all to do just "that." I will take whatever pain the chemo and radiation give out and will fiercely cling to life, but I am not there yet. Today is sunny in Northeast Ohio where I live and the weather is at least a little bit warmer. Why should I surrender feeling good today and enjoy the sunshine less because I may be puking my guts out three weeks from now?
My wife, a wonderful woman who believes in taking direct action in most situations, kept giving me unwanted information, so much so that I had to ask her to stop. I understand her plight. She is playing the support role and, in a lot of ways, it is a more difficult role to play than mine. Neither of us can do much but it is my disease to face. She can only try to help--this for a woman who is psychologically built to stride into a situation and take charge.
Having control of one's future is always an illusion. But now I am certain that I do not have control. I am not praying to get well, only that I be given the courage to face this scary disease like the man I want to be. I believe I will always be granted enough courage to get me through at least one day. My part in this, besides doing what the doctors tell me to do, is to break up the future into small pieces, of such a size that I can carry each one for a day. I believe I can do it. I will record my attempt in this blog.
I have had one skin cancer after another for the last 25 years, but I never really understood that they could lead to the development of cancer internally, in one of the organs. I really don't remember hearing that from any of the dermatologists I visited but maybe I just didn't want to hear it.
Whether the skin doctors told me or not, I now have Merkel Cell cancer. An oncological surgeon removed one of the lymph nodes beneath my right armpit and the pathology lab came back with the identification. By the time the cancer was identified, I had been told that the lump probably came from a skin cancer; but I was betting on squamous cell, less aggressive and more common. According to the Internet, I would have had a seventy five percent chance of living five more years with squamous cell but Merkel Cell only gives me a one in two chance.
My daughter cried on and off for days and my wife dove into the Internet and continues to be ferocious in her search for information. To date, I have done neither. I did look up Merkel Cell to see what it is and what the odds are, but I don't particularly care to know much more about it. What good would it do me? I still would have only today. It will be some weeks before we even start the treatment regimen of radiation and chemotherapy and I don't want to use a lot of energy until then. I am going to take this a day at a time. If a doctor who I trust says do "that", then I will give my all to do just "that." I will take whatever pain the chemo and radiation give out and will fiercely cling to life, but I am not there yet. Today is sunny in Northeast Ohio where I live and the weather is at least a little bit warmer. Why should I surrender feeling good today and enjoy the sunshine less because I may be puking my guts out three weeks from now?
My wife, a wonderful woman who believes in taking direct action in most situations, kept giving me unwanted information, so much so that I had to ask her to stop. I understand her plight. She is playing the support role and, in a lot of ways, it is a more difficult role to play than mine. Neither of us can do much but it is my disease to face. She can only try to help--this for a woman who is psychologically built to stride into a situation and take charge.
Having control of one's future is always an illusion. But now I am certain that I do not have control. I am not praying to get well, only that I be given the courage to face this scary disease like the man I want to be. I believe I will always be granted enough courage to get me through at least one day. My part in this, besides doing what the doctors tell me to do, is to break up the future into small pieces, of such a size that I can carry each one for a day. I believe I can do it. I will record my attempt in this blog.
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